Posted: January 25, 2010 -
As soon as the man from Time Warner Cable arrives to make the Internet work again I explain that I know nothing about computers and wireless connections. I tell him that I don't know the difference between a router and a modem and that my life is happy that way.
"I love your accent." which makes me dig my nails into my arm until a bit of blood comes out.
"Ok! I'm going to leave you to it!" I say with a faux cheerfulness and disappear into the kitchen and do some dishes loudly so it's clear I am occupied and he won't bother me.
"What is your network key?'' he shouts 3 minutes later above the banging of plates.
"I don't know anything about computers." I say defensively
So I leave him to find the key, even though I don't know of any keys that came with the Internet stuff. Where does it fit? What does it lock? Maybe I lost them? I make crashy washing up sounds so it will be clear I'm busy and not bother me again. Doesn't work.
"I think you may have a problem with your router, but I am going to replace the modem anyway." he shouts at me.
I breathe deeply when he starts mentioning routers again and I allow myself to drift away into a happy place where technical things are fixed by a twinkly fairy who never dares speak of the reasons that things are broken.
''So you gotta problem with your proxy server Miss.'
What language is he speaking?
''I'm ringing my husband."
He keeps speaking but all I hear is ''Na noo nam nam blah blah blim blim internet wah wah."
"I'm ringing my husband"
He says no again, but this time I'm not listening because I know that The American is expecting me to fail at this whole getting the Internet fixed thing and therefore actually <span style="font-style: italic;">wants</span> me to fail, so he can swoop in riding a white Macbook and declare me unfit to deal with blue jobs in his absence. So I dial him and pass the phone over to Time Warner Cable man and they speak to each other in perfect harmony like Navi flying the magical forest. <span style="font-style: italic;">Blue</span> Navi.
"It was a mainline ploxim issue with the mighty plexy server widget connecting with the blunket torch fixator?" The Time Warner Cable man says. Possibly.
I check the internet 5 times before I set him free and then bake some cakes.